Decent Exposure

I'd like to take a few inches of blog space today to address an issue of concern to myself and other vain gardeners (if you have overcome vanity, as I obviously have not, this does not apply to you). Today's post has nothing to do with weeds, or even desirable plants, nor yard decor or water elements. No, today's topic is that of obtaining the perfect tan.

No amount of spf 50 sunscreen can completely prevent an avid gardener from developing a sunkissed hue, and honestly, would we want it to? A tan is one of those beautiful benefits of tending a garden.

However, one of must exercise discernment in acquiring a lovely tan while gardening. One might argue that clothing that exposes the most skin would be most conducive to procuring the most color. However, anyone with a modicum of modesty must realize that bending, squatting and kneeling -- positions oft struck during planting, weeding and raking -- are not suitable for the scantily clad. Unless, of course, one gardens in a very private or secluded area. In which case one would have no need for clothes at all while working in the yard and could enjoy gardening just as Adam and Eve did in their pre-fall paradise. Sadly that is not my situation.

Anyway, back to the dilemma of maximizing skin exposure to the sun while minimizing skin exposure to the neighbors. This is an art I am still attempting to master, but here are my suggestions:

• Time your yard work according to your neighbors' work schedules, so that when you're baring skin in the direction of their windows, they are not at home peeping through them.
• Put flowers in your hair to camouflage yourself.
• If you have an elderly neighbor whose eyesight is failing, work on that side of your house when the neighbors on the other side are home.
• Lay low in the rows of the vegetable garden (remember to work up one row and down the next to even toast each side of your body).
• Fence or hedge in your entire yard.
• Put a sign in your front yard saying "Look! A plane!"
• Or, and here is my personal ploy of choice, become that obnoxious person who, whenever spotted, causes others to immediately turn and walk in the opposite direction without so much as a nod, howdy or second glance. Warning: this action can have serious repercussions on your social life, but who really needs a social life when you've got a great garden and a fabulous tan?